yours, tiramisu

stillness is in short supply here (nyc day 5)

Silence and stillness have been hard to find here in New York, and they're the two things I probably miss most about my quiet suburban home. Going from quiet solitude around the clock to constant noise and motion has been a bit of a shock. Since I share a room with my brother now, the only time I get alone is when he's at work, but the constant distraction from my work tasks mars the few pockets of solitude I do get.

Even when I go out for walks, an activity that usually helps me reflect, everything is new and there is always so much going on that I can't ever turn my attention fully inwards. I find myself distracted by everything: the screeching of the elevated train, the interesting characters that pass by, and the names of the streets. It's a far cry from the home I know like the back of my hand: I've walked the little path around my neighborhood so many times (tens of thousands) that I could probably do it blindfolded.

Of course, this external distraction is precisely what I looked forward to when I wasted away at home. And it has helped distract me from my pain. A consequence (and maybe resulting benefit) of never having time to myself is that I constantly feel like I'm overflowing with thoughts and observations that percolate during the day. This feeling is so strong it compels me to write as soon as I get home, no matter how late at night it is.

One cause of this perpetual motion is the anxiety that drives many people to sightsee themselves to the point of exhaustion when they're on vacation. The voice at the back of my head keeps telling me I'll only be here till August, so I should go out as much as I possibly can to make the most out of this long-awaited opportunity. If I had to guess, this is driven by minor regrets from my time abroad, and while one day I'll probably be grateful for all the memories I worked hard to make, right now I kind of just feel like slowing down.

I noticed today that this pin my ex got me has been bent irreparably out of shape. I guess it's time to retire it after almost a year of service; I didn't have the heart to remove it but maybe life is doing me a favor and helping me forget. ティラミス

Monday, May 15th, 2023


song of the day: Vendaval by Mon Laferte

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