and somehow, a bad day to (maybe) top them all (nyc day 13)
Today my boss asked me to hop on a call and told me that he's been so disappointed with my performance at work that he's delaying my 'graduation' from the two-year training program I'm on. Instead of getting put onto a consulting project in June, I'll be stuck on my current team for the rest of the calendar year, or until I can prove that I can do enough work to be on a project team. Apparently, I should be working three times faster than I currently am, and I should get used to putting in sixty hour workweeks to make sure things "just get done".
Frankly I couldn't care less whether I'm on a consulting project or not. It's all the same mundane work anyway. But hearing that I'm doing so poorly makes me feel awful. It's never a good feeling, especially for a âšgifted childâš accustomed to doing well in school.
Is this my fault? I don't know... he probably has a point. I've always been slow to learn things, and I feel like I'm drowning in a torrential downpour of neverending difficult tasks. The sheer magnitude and ambiguity of my tasks paralyzes me and drives me to procrastinate.
But I also feel like I have just not been set up to succeed. It's not like the job description listed a 60 hour workweek or any technical qualifications outside of a minimum 3.0 GPA. School is an awful indicator of work performance, because in school teachers actually show you what to do, and you have plenty of friends and teaching assistants to help you. Here I just get thrown into projects with little assistance and uncompromising, arbitrary deadlines.
Today I'm working out of my brother's company's office in Manhattan and I just burst into tears in an office I don't even belong. And one of my close friends got laid off today. I have dinner plans with him and some other friends in a few hours, and I don't know how I'm going to comfort him when I'm struggling so much myself. Thinking of his situation makes me feel stupid for crying, because, well, at least I still have a job, terrible as it may be.
I found a cramped phone booth to hide in, and now I'm thinking about all the things I did growing up, like taking piano lessons, playing soccer, learning to speak Spanish, going abroad, and leading project teams. I always thought that these were preparing me to do big things in life. I can't believe it's all led me to this point, struggling to keep up at a job I hate just to make some assholes more money. Has it all been worth it? I know there's supposed to be a yes out there somewhere, but I can't see it through my tired, teary eyes. I feel like in my misery I've disappointed everyone who's ever loved me: parents, teachers, lovers, and friends alike.
I'm listening to this song called Saudade - AcĂșstica now, and the opening lines go:
Quiero que me digas que todo estĂĄ bien
I want you to tell me that everything is okay
A pesar de que yo sé que es al revés
Even though I know it's not
Quiero que me calmes con tu fe
I want you to calm me with your faith
Aunque ya no haya nada en que creer
Even though I know there's nothing left to believe in
And my word, the rest of the songâ
Quiero otros dĂas como ayer
I want more days like yesterday
Cuando no sabĂa lo que era perder
When I didn't know what it was like to lose
Quiero que me abraces, aunque sea la Ășltima vez
I want you hug me, even if it's the last time
Hazlo eterno y sobreviviré
Make it eternal and I will survive
Y que duro es olvidar
And how hard it is to forget
Cuando aĂșn quieres recordar
When you still want to remember
MĂrame y dime que no es el final
Look at me and tell me that it's not the end
Y que duro aterrizar
And how hard it is to land
Cuando aĂșn quieres volar
When you still want to fly
MĂrame y dime que volverĂĄs
Look at me and tell me that you'll return
How much more can I (bear to) lose? If you need me... I'll be over here crying in this phone booth.
thank you for reading; write to me at yourstiramisu đ proton dot me