don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm (nyc day 11)
I visited Army and Navy Bags today, and its celebrity owner Henry called me handsome as soon as I walked in. 🥺 I know he's just being nice and I'm always wary when salespeople (or anyone else, for that matter) inflate my ego but the compliment touched my cynical heart. It's been so long since anyone's told me something like that. Hearing my lover say she's fallen for someone else has not been kind to my self-esteem, and as much as my friends try to support me, hearing things from people who aren't beholden to you hits differently.
I feel a sort of pressure in my chest and a light-headedness that won't go away; I think I'm experiencing a small anxiety attack from the hectic week ahead. I know everything will probably turn out okay, but my lack of sleep and unhealthy diet are probably not helping matters. I have to commute into the city before seven tomorrow morning to make a meeting and a visa appointment shortly afterward. Then at night I have dinner plans with friends before catching a flight at dawn on Tuesday. Perhaps worst of all, my boss returns tomorrow from a weeklong vacation; I'm almost certain he will chastise me for not having completed as much work as he wanted me to. I had a good weekend but I have a feeling this week will hit me like a train. The good news is I have a vacation to look forward to next weekend but I have to survive until then and I'm not sure I will make it. I don't remember the last time I felt so stressed.
New York and all the friends that come with it has helped distract me from how I feel inside, but I worry I'm running away from my problems. I don't get nearly as much time to listen to my inner monologue these days, and I feel like I'm getting further out of touch with myself. I've only just arrived in the city but I feel like I already need a sabbatical, not just from it but also from work and all my other responsibilities. I just want to go somewhere nobody knows my name (maybe some remote beach in the Caribbean), disappear, and forget about all my troubles.
I'm going to try my best to write this week in the hopes it will help me cope with my anxiety and pain but it might be a while before I'm back.
I miss you.
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