yours, tiramisu

moving out blues

I moved out of my New York apartment! The whole packing up process made me surprisingly sad. I’ve always had a hard time accepting change, like relationships gone cold or summers ending, and this one is no different. It’s not that I’m dreading going back home—in fact, I’m quite looking forward to being home again—but more so that I know I will miss this time here in New York. Changing scenery again (so soon!) is disorienting, and makes me acutely aware of how lost I feel in life. Maybe that’s why I cling onto things I know I should let go of—they’re rare spots of familiarity in the constant overwhelming entropy of life. But I shouldn’t drink poison just because I’m thirsty.

I think I hate moving because it’s one of those things in life I have to do with no upside and lots of potential downside. If I move perfectly and pack everything, I just find myself in a new place with all the things I already had. It doesn't make me feel better or repay my hard work in any way. But if I don’t do it well, say by mispacking something or leaving something behind, it’ll bother me to no end. I dreaded packing so much I played Pokémon for six hours before starting at night and not finishing until 1 in the morning. In the end we got everything done before checkout, but the entire process was stressful, tiring, and unpleasant. I can't wait till I get settled back at home.


My knee hurts. It feels like there is a bubble inside my joint getting squeezed when I squat, causing dull pain. I self-diagnosed it as patellofemoral pain syndrome, commonly known as runner's knee. It's one in a long string of painful reminders (sore calves, dizziness, outright fainting) that active city life can be physically taxing. I work out regularly and like to think I keep myself relatively fit, but being on my feet for ten hours a day in the hot summer sun challenges my body in ways ordinary workouts do not replicate. I think it's something I'll have to get used to with adequate rest, stretching, and strength work. I'm grateful I don't have a manual labor job or one that requires me to be on my feet; I shudder to think of how painful these injuries would get if I couldn't get the rest my body is telling me I need.


Some of my friends have been going through troubling times recently, and I haven't found out about their struggles until it's reached a fever pitch or until they come and tell me outright (which often occurs far after I'd like to find out about these things). My not being able to pick up on these things makes me wonder: am I just totally oblivious to the signs? Do I not pay enough attention, or are other people just really good at hiding things?

Questions aside, finding out about these things makes me realize that life isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes, especially when I quit mucking around in self-pity. Yes, life can be rough for me sometimes, but things could also be so much worse, so I'm taking this as my reminder to pay more attention to how my friends are doing instead of getting hypnotized by my own misery.


I've been using what3words to coordinate meeting points with one of my friends in NYC and it's worked great! I know the company behind it has garnered a bit of controversy1, but I really like the concept of being able to convey a precise location to someone else with just 3 words (rather than a long latitude/longitude combination that takes forever to read out loud). It beats "the southwest corner of X street and Y avenue" because a what3words link is easy to click on and navigate to. It's especially great for meeting in large areas without convenient references, like for a specific location in Sheep's Meadow for a picnic. So if I ask you for a what3words the next time we meet, now you know what I'm referring to!


I've seen my first few spotted lanternflies in person this summer in New York. Before I'd only seen videos of them on Youtube; in person they're big and gross! Squashing one releases a lot of blood (I know it's technically hemolymph). I get why the messaging surrounding this invasive species so aggressively encourages killing them, but even putting my physical disgust aside, I feel conflicted about stomping on them when I see them. I know they don't belong here and that they're wreaking havoc on our ecosystems, but it's not their fault they're here! What did they do wrong? They're just trying to survive. Moral compunction aside though, if I can get over my physical disgust I'll join in on the crusades when I see the buggers.


thank you for reading; write to me at yourstiramisu 🐌 proton dot me

  1. I love when ordinary people take corporations like this to task. Not everyone has the time or energy to do the due diligence and spread the word but we need more good Samaritans like this to call out companies for bad behavior.

#english #journal #life #nyc