the way i need you is a loneliness i cannot bear
I’ve made a home out of how much I miss you
and there’s no one here to tell me I should leave
The fountain pen she gifted me for my birthday finally ran out of ink. I don't have any more cartridges for it, so I guess I'll put it away for awhile. Maybe it's trying to do me a favor. It breaks me to think that the one little cartridge of blue ink it came with outlived our relationship.
I slept more than six hours for the first time this week, which I fear is more a result of accumulated sleep debt than an improvement in my emotional state. The restless anger I felt yesterday has given way to resigned sadness, a longing for my beloved so deep I cannot dig it out. It's easier to manage than the vicious anger that kicked out from my ribcage, but my emotional pallor dulls every color and fills my limbs with lead.
There's only one person can I talk to in this world who can help alleviate and understand my pain, but she also happens to be the only person I shouldn't be talking to right now. This catch-22 feels silly; we both miss each other, yet we can't talk. Every time we do, it hurts both of us—we lash out in pain (of guilt for her and betrayal for me) and delay the process of moving on. My situation reminds me of the porcupine's dilemma; do you know it? (It's also known as the hedgehog's dilemma, but porcupines seem a lot more spiky to me.)
It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to move close to one another to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur, for reasons they cannot avoid.
So many things remind me of her—do these thoughts die in silence now that I have no one to tell them to? I wish she would come back and tell me that she misses me too. I wish I could put myself in her shoes so I know how she feels about me. Why can't she let go of him but can let go of me so easily? But you can't make someone do anything, least of all love you. I'm not sure I even want her back anymore after she chose someone else (she won't come back to me anyway), but I just wish this pain would end.
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color