yours, tiramisu

feeling flat

I might take a break from writing soon. For how long, I don't know — a few days? A week? I can't imagine I'll stay away longer than a few weeks. But I'm sure my cadence will slow. I'm feeling tired, so tired, and as a result I've watched the quality of my writing dip precipitously last month. Recently getting these words out has felt less like squeezing water from a rock and more like trying to do the same on a cat.

Tuesday nights are soccer nights, but I don't think I'll go today because my hip flexors are still sore after a (very light) workout on Sunday. I'm in this catch-22 where if I train any of the muscle groups I've neglected (hip flexors, tibialis, hamstrings), I'll be sore for many days and miss games. But if I don't train them, those muscles will be weak forever. I suppose the solution (which becomes obvious the moment I write it out) is to take a few weeks/months to train those muscles until they're strong enough to be worked multiple times a week, and in the meantime just miss those games. But I don't want to! I want to play. Those games are the only thing I have to look forward to most weeks and watching them pass me by kills my soul.

I could play on Thursday nights, which gives me more recovery time, but for whatever reason on Thursdays we each have to pay 5tokeepthelightson.Ihaveahardtimeappraisingwhetherthemoneyisworthit.Ononehand,5 for 2 hours of entertainment is pretty good. I can't think of many activities cheaper than that by the hour. On the other hand, why spend money that doesn't need to be spent? My mom is of this school of thought, and always protests when I go on Thursdays.

My tutoring company has sent some new students my way, which I have mixed feelings about. I'm glad it means I'm doing at least an acceptable job, and of course I'm happy for the opportunity to teach and earn more, but it also means that my weekend is now broken up by the classes. With a lesson Saturday evening, another Sunday afternoon, and more in the pipeline, I probably won't be able to make any substantial plans to go out or take a day trip on the weekends anymore. I've sold my ability to have a full day to myself for, what, barely a hundred dollars? Thinking about it that way is rather depressing.

I don't understand how other tutors teach for ten (or more) hours a week while in school or holding down a full-time job. I have literally nothing else to do other than apply for jobs and preparing for two classes a week is already kicking my ass. For each hour in class I spend three, four hours outside of it lesson planning, responding to emails, editing, and doing the required reading. I know I don't have to do all this but I feel like I can't teach well if I haven't prepared. I'm hoping the more classes I have under my belt, the easier it'll get, because I'll be more familiar with the curriculum and able to recycle slides. In any case, I think once I get five separate groups to teach I'll say I have enough.

The parents of the three fifth-graders I'm about to get asked to see my writing samples, because I guess a computer science degree from a state school isn't convincing evidence of my writing abilities. I understand why they asked — it's normal to want the best for your kids, especially when they're paying so much for lessons — but it still made me feel awful. It's exhausting and stressful to feel constantly evaluated for my aptitude. The job search is demoralizing enough, and feeling my imposter syndrome flare up in my part-time job too only exacerbates my anxiety. I want to live in a world where I am not judged by what school I went to, where I worked, or how quickly I can get things done. Is that too much to ask for?

#english #life #wordvomit #work