desolation row
It's finally the weekend! This one is a bit different from the usual, because I took all of next week off for vacation. I wish I could say I'm excited, because getting a whole week off like this happens at best twice a year, and I haven't seen these friends in a long time, but something feels wrong. Whatever anticipation I have is tempered by a considerable amount of dread. Not for the vacationāI'm sure it'll be fineābut for the work that awaits me when I return, and the thought of not having something to look forward to once this vacation is over.
My boss pulled me into a meeting the other day to discuss my progress. I told him I thought I'd been doing well after knocking out six small tasks last week, half-expecting some sort of positive reinforcement, and I got... nothing. No "good job", no smile, nothing. He just moved onto discussing the big task I'd been assigned to work on once I got back, warning that it wouldn't "get spoonfed" to me. Excuse me? Do you have any more patronizing things you want to get out of the way? I'm sorry you have to explain to your employees how to do the work you want them to do. I know I should just let these little slights bounce off me, because taking offense is only going to make the situation worse, but it is hard for me to not to let it show.
I return from vacation late next Sunday night, and I have a flight to work early Monday morning. I dread going to work and seeing my boss so much, I intentionally choose the window seat in the very last row on the plane so I can longer to deplane (and thus spend less time in the office). I know it's an inane, petty thing to do, but I don't knowāI feel like these tiny protests help keep me from (completely) losing my mind.
Back to vacationāthis is probably going to my last leisure trip of the year. You wouldn't know it from how burned out I am though. I'm in a catch-22ātoo tired and burnt out to travel, too despondent to enjoy time off at home. As a kid I imagined future me working to travel, but I'm realizing that what's actually happening is that I'm traveling to get away from work. I'm looking forward more to not having to work than exploring or doing things I enjoy.
A part of my soul dies every time I think about that.
(Ah, yesāthe title of this post references another masterpiece.)