ésa es la vida que te tocó vivir
I woke up this morning to an email from the Department of Labor telling me that my appeal decision was released, which was just what I needed to get out of bed. I've not slept well recently and as a result my days have passed by rather drowsily.
I lost the appeal. The judge wrote that because I submitted it late (after the 15 day window), there was no way to overturn the decision. I feared as much. I can still appeal this decision to a higher Board, but it's probably a lost cause at this point and I've already accepted that.
Even though I probably should have seen this coming, the fall back to reality still hurts. From the ground I look so silly in my memories, running around buoyed by false hope when it was doomed all along. In my own defense I'm not sure I would have been able to get through those weeks without that very same hope, and I'm at least unburdened by the fact that I tried my best to fight it. I'm angry at my 2023 self for not fighting the appeal before it was due, but I'll consider it an expensive lesson learned.
I've been thinking about a passage from a letter a pen pal wrote to me years ago:
Hace un año seguía sin comprender a qué quería conseguir un psicólogo que tuve en consejería al decirme "Esa es la vida que te tocó vivir". La primera vez que me lo dijo solo pude caer en la desesperanza de saber que la vida era injusta y no podía cambiarla. Y si bien aún no logro quitarme esa sensación por completo, creo poder ver desde otra perspectiva esa frase. Yo no le elegí pasar algunas cosas que pasé y por lo tanto no debo sentir culpa o resentimiento sobre lo que no puedo cambiar.
A year ago I still didn't understand what a psychologist I had in counseling was getting at when he told me, "that's the life you have to live" (or "the life you've been chosen to live"1). The first time he said it to me I could only fall into the hopelessness of knowing that life was unfair and I couldn't change it. And while I still can't shake that feeling completely, I think I can look at it from another perspective. I didn't choose for him to go through some of the things I went through and therefore I shouldn't feel guilt or resentment about what I can't change.
There's nothing to do but accept what happened and move on. Now I have to figure out if and how I should explain all this to my parents.
I have four dogwalking bookings today, and the first was meeting a pair of little ones for the owners to see if they want to book me for a few weeks of housesitting in late May & early June. The dogs were adorable and well-behaved, so I hope I made a good impression! House sitting pays very well (especially with 2 dogs) and would be a nice hedge if the NYC position doesn't pan out.
Double trouble! They seemed hellbent on getting their leashes tangled together, which kept me very busy.
I find it difficult to word this in a way that captures the original sentiment. Tocarle a alguien algo means "to be someone's turn to do something" and in this context implies obligation.↩