yours, tiramisu

you'll never have all the answers you seek

One of the hardest pills for me to swallow in the wake of my breakup is the fact that I likely won't ever get answers to many of my questions. For starters, I think there are no good answers to many of my questions. Why did you cheat on me? Why did you fall out of love with me? What did I do wrong? What does your new man give you that I didn't? My morbid curiosity is dying to know, but I know that my ex-girlfriend likely doesn't know the answers to these questions either. Even if she does, she probably isn't capable of articulating them and/or doesn't want to tell me them.

As someone who is naturally curious and likes to figure out how the world works, I like to think that knowing the answers to these questions will help me find closure and move on, but I'm starting to realize that I must accept the fact that I'll never get answers to a lot of my most burning questions. I can keep asking her why she cheated on me, or how she fell out of love with me, but I'm not sure if any answer would satisfy me. Why does anyone ever cheat, anyway? Is there ever a good reason to do so? There are many questions that have no answers. The only thing I can do is accept this truth.

Yesterday a friend sent me this blurb to comfort me. Like many good bits of writing, it expresses a truth I already knew deep down, but spins it in a way that gives me a new lease on the situation at hand.

something i've heard (and added to) is that when a relationship ends, it can be helpful to think about the fact that it was not possible and/or ideal to continue. if the other person has betrayed your trust, for example, the relationship was not sustainable. they don't deserve your love or friendship.

although feelings of sadness and loss are completely valid, it can help to think about the fact that you are not losing a person who was loyal enough to you to deserve what you could have continued to give them. you deserve to receive as much love, kindness, and/or respect that you show your friends and/or partner. in the future, you will meet people who will be better friends or a person who will be a better partner.

I read this bit over and over when I'm feeling especially distraught. I love how they tell me it's okay for me to feel this way and gently give their advice. It also specifically addresses the nuances of my situation and avoids any toxic positivity.

Thank you to every kind soul who has written me and offered their shoulder for me to lean on in the past few weeks. I don't know where I would be without you all. In my reaching out I find that deep down inside, everyone is fighting the same loneliness; when you reach your hand out for help you might just save someone else too.

#breakup #english #love #movingon